Day 02--Your First Love

Well the first time I ever said "I love you" was to a special fellow named 

David Barley.

First my science lab partner in 7th grade, then my friend, then my boyfriend, then my childhood sweetheart, then my wounded ex, then my worst enemy..... and now my longest and most cherished friend.

He is the biggest nerd I know as well as the biggest sweetheart. He is spiritual and always striving to be better than the day before. He's the one that any neighbor, sibling, friend, random stranger, can go to when they need to talk. He's a peacemaker. He is always smiles through the bad and makes you feel like less of an idiot even if your mess of a life is your own fault. He is so annoying, but you just can't help but like him. He likes scouts and knives and computers and girls. He gives better hugs than anyone!!

He has seen me at my worst and at my best; and I've seen his too. 

He knows me better than anyone, even myself; he helps me figure out what I'm thinking when I am the most confused, always calms my emotional breakdowns, solves my computer problems, and makes really good sandwiches.

There is so much good in him that I could never mention it all. 

He was my first date, first boyfriend, first kiss, first love, and most importantly, my first and forever best friend :) 

He is just David. 

Britter OUT.

Fairytale Living--The Perfect Trap

If I had three wishes this is what they would be...

1) To work whenever, wherever I wanted for whatever pay I wanted,

2) To be happy with where I am and what I'm doing and who I'm with, without always wanting more and better,

3) To have an outsiders' perspective on all things.

I am thinking of this because I think I've finally admitted something to myself after an experience I had tonight.

I am a perfectionist.

I'm serious. Like I could be diagnosed with the disorder. Its textbook.

Honestly, read this article The Perfect Trap. Its me to a T.

The introspective perfectionism: 

• I never can accomplish all I want to accomplish at the standard I expect of myself so I often don't try to accomplish anything at all for fear of failure. 
• I feel my ability to make decisions is inadequate so I put off making them for a very long time until the decision is made for me. 
• I feel that nothing I do is ever good enough and rather than doing things for my own fulfillment, I often do them for approval from others only to be disappointed by their ungratefulness. 
• I go through phases of extreme unrealistic ambitions and productivity and phases of extreme slothfulness at about six month intervals. 
• I look at those who have achieved great things (ie: ivy league schools, great inventions and discoveries, etc.) and expect the same of myself no matter whether I really want that or not. 
• I'm always feeling unappreciated because I feel I have gone above and beyond what is required of me without recognition.

The outwardly focused perfectionism:

• Nothing anyone ever does is good enough. 
• I find myself trying so hard to appreciate the things others do for me without seeing the bad and being disappointed, but I often fail. 
• I find myself sometimes over-complimenting others with the hope that I can encourage them to live up to the standard that I put up for them. 
• If someone reaches my expectation for them, I raise that expectation just a little higher. 
• I'm always saying I see the "potential" in others. I cannot tolerate mediocrity; in fact, it disgusts me. 
• I often abandon people or push them away because they are "distracting me from my goals" or "dragging me down"; or else I stick with them endlessly because I am trying to combat these feelings whether true or untrue.

Now not to say that there isn't some validity in a few of these schemas, but I take them to an extreme degree sometimes and it creates emotional stress and unhappiness for me, often sabotaging my success, my relationships, and my self worth. I use self-talk as an attempt to turn these irrational thoughts into more logical, realistic expectations, but it has to be a constant effort with a smile on my face the whole time.

I know I will never achieve the better than fairytale life that I expect. It is unattainable.

I cannot get a PHD, travel the world, save all the poverty stricken, be a saint, marry prince charming, raise prodigies, have a hardcore rock climbing/outdoorsy hobby habit, be a size 4 with amazing legs, be scripturally fluent, have an immaculate home, be sexy yet still a lady, please all my family, neighbors, friends, relatives, coworkers, and acquaintances, etc etc etc. I will never achieve this perfection. 

But is it so wrong to try?? Is it so wrong to always expect more of others?? I must learn a way to help others realize their potential, and realize my own, without being constantly disappointed. I want to make it clear that I realize, as I'm sure all of you do, that it is not only healthy but a part of our religion to always expect change, try to achieve higher goals, and grow into better people. I just take it to an unhealthy extreme.

There you go. There is the raw, upsetting truth. I hope my loved ones will not judge me or give up on their relationships with me now that you know what I'm really thinking. It is a constant mental battle that I have with myself to try to attain and maintain joy in my life. It is a root of many of my problems and something I spend a lot of time brooding on. Given, this obsession with fixing it is in part due to my perfectionist manner and therefore causes me more distress as I attempt to constantly improve. Somewhat ironic.

ANYWAY.

Britter OUT.

Day 01- Introduce Yourself

Brittany Knapp

Blonde hair, blue eyes, sparkling personality.

IQ: 148

Blood type: A+

Favorite color: Purple

Lucky number: 8

Favorite flower: Peony or "Tahitian Sunset" rose

Comfort food: Ice cream (of course) and Goldfish

Favorite ice cream: Rocky Road (Breyer's is best!)

Favorite song (of the moment): Glitter by Pink

Favorite book: The Odyssey

Favorite movie: Stardust

Something I can't get enough of: Music, Costa Vida, and Timothy :P 

One thing I hate more than anything: Winter

Silly habit: Playing with my ears

Guilty pleasure: Shopping

Pet peeve: Inconsideration

Biggest weakness: Impatience

What makes me cry: When those I love don't reach for their potential

What makes me laugh: Myself... And pretty much everything

Hobbies: Collecting hobbies.

Random facts...

I've seen a person die. I've pierced my belly button. I've never lived outside of Utah, but I've been to almost all 50 states and multiple other countries. I love fruit. I like cute underwear and elephants. I love to travel.

I over analyze everything in this world; it is a weakness and a strength. 

I am a passionate person; I never do anything halfway. 

I am confident and real; I tell it how it is. 

I do more than what is required sometimes earning be the reputation of "brown noser". 

I'm stubborn as hell.

I want to change the world; I want to help others and make this a happier place to live.

I'm a dreamer; never satisfied with what I have and always looking for something better. 

I love myself even when no one else does, because I know God loves me :) 

I see beauty and goodness where others cannot.

I don't like to follow rules; I believe in taking risks. We only live once after all!

I laugh.... A lot. I'm just a dork.

I may not be perfect, but I'm always trying to learn how to be. Teach me :)