I hate friends, you know that?
All friends have ever done for me is make me feel unlovable.
I try soo hard to be the best friend that I can; I text or call to catch up, I want to be with them for important times in both of our lives, I truly care about everything that happens to them.
Yeah I've never had that everyday best friend that you're supposed to see all the time and do everything with, but every friendship I have had I value more highly than my own life.
The troubling thing is... There are few people who I feel this way about, but once you are in my heart you never leave and people take that for granted.
I don't think people even realize how I feel about them and how I wish so badly that they would feel the same. At this point I wouldn't even care if they faked it, all I want is the love and the good feelings of a good friend.
I've had my heart broken and ripped apart by multiple people--for reasons I don't even know about! I have always thought I'm clear about how much I value an appreciate them and honest about my every thought, but apparently I'm not worth enough for anyone to return the favor.
When it happens multiple times, it's really hard not to blame yourself.
I just want to stop trying, stop caring, stop wasting my time and emotionally exhausting myself with these people that just kick me to the curb with the trash. The reason I haven't done this up to this point is because I am too stubborn. I want to believe that I am lovable, I want to believe that these people will see my efforts and want to return them, I don't want to stop being patient and give up, I want to love as Jesus loves and forgive people everytime. It's just so hard, and so hurtful.
The closest that I have ever been to experiencing true friendship is with my fiancé Timothy. I feel like in the beginning he had the power of least interest and saw me as disposable, even though after the second date I saw him as a valuable part of my life and decided that he was someone worth being patient for. My patience paid off and we broke through barriers in my relationship skills I never thought I would cross, never even knew existed. He has never let me down in my toughest moments or my brightest, not only that but he wants me to be a part of his too; and that I believe is what a true friend is.
And yet, because of all of my experience with disloyal, uncaring friends (and even family) I find it a constant struggle to trust that he won't one day decide I'm not good enough, that I'm just not worth the effort anymore. I'm afraid that the sudden selfish Brittany-loathing will strike him one day and he will leave me. Thanks to all my lovely examples.
I hate friends. I don't want them. But I need them; I long for them, ache for them; every day.
Britter OUT.
