I hate friends, you know that?
All friends have ever done for me is make me feel unlovable.
I try soo hard to be the best friend that I can; I text or call to catch up, I want to be with them for important times in both of our lives, I truly care about everything that happens to them.
Yeah I've never had that everyday best friend that you're supposed to see all the time and do everything with, but every friendship I have had I value more highly than my own life.
The troubling thing is... There are few people who I feel this way about, but once you are in my heart you never leave and people take that for granted.
I don't think people even realize how I feel about them and how I wish so badly that they would feel the same. At this point I wouldn't even care if they faked it, all I want is the love and the good feelings of a good friend.
I've had my heart broken and ripped apart by multiple people--for reasons I don't even know about! I have always thought I'm clear about how much I value an appreciate them and honest about my every thought, but apparently I'm not worth enough for anyone to return the favor.
When it happens multiple times, it's really hard not to blame yourself.
I just want to stop trying, stop caring, stop wasting my time and emotionally exhausting myself with these people that just kick me to the curb with the trash. The reason I haven't done this up to this point is because I am too stubborn. I want to believe that I am lovable, I want to believe that these people will see my efforts and want to return them, I don't want to stop being patient and give up, I want to love as Jesus loves and forgive people everytime. It's just so hard, and so hurtful.
The closest that I have ever been to experiencing true friendship is with my fiancé Timothy. I feel like in the beginning he had the power of least interest and saw me as disposable, even though after the second date I saw him as a valuable part of my life and decided that he was someone worth being patient for. My patience paid off and we broke through barriers in my relationship skills I never thought I would cross, never even knew existed. He has never let me down in my toughest moments or my brightest, not only that but he wants me to be a part of his too; and that I believe is what a true friend is.
And yet, because of all of my experience with disloyal, uncaring friends (and even family) I find it a constant struggle to trust that he won't one day decide I'm not good enough, that I'm just not worth the effort anymore. I'm afraid that the sudden selfish Brittany-loathing will strike him one day and he will leave me. Thanks to all my lovely examples.
I hate friends. I don't want them. But I need them; I long for them, ache for them; every day.
Britter OUT.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Boy O Boy
So I'm out at SUU for a whole semester and don't get like any dates right. Absolutely ridiculous. Then I had this whole business of a revelation to move to Ohio so I tragically left all my beloved friends at SUU to go on another adventure. Then as if it were a sign, I break my arm over Christmas break so there's no way because of doctors appointments and inability to fully care for myself physically and emotionally that I can continue with that plan. So with nothing else to do and no other solution, I decided to stay home and go to UVU (which story I will continue in a moment). And like when I got home this guy, Nate, a friend of an ex who I'd been on a couple dates with during the summer was all gung ho about asking me out a whole bunch. I didn't really like him that way though and was trying to figure out a way to tell him. Eventually when things got in deeper with two other guys and besides I just didn't want to get his hopes up so I did have to tell him we'd be just friends. He's been really good at going along with my wishes.
Then there was this guy Patrick that my mom had promised to set me up with when I got home. so we went on this incredible first date, like I don't know if I've ever hit it off better with anyone. He complimented my eyes, my teeth and smile, my lips, my butt, and how beautiful I was, he was so honest and not shy at all and I love that about him. So we went to dinner and talked about everything and we had a lot in common, then we drove up to temple square and we like a lot of the same music, which seemed like a big deal to him, and while we were there we were flirting and laughing a lot, then the drive home took us like two hours because of traffic which was actually pretty fun, then it was like he really wanted to keep prolonging the date cause he took me out for ice cream then we went back to his house to watch a movie and we ended up making out!! Which I never do on the first date, but we both decided it just went so well that why not! Haha. I felt kind of bad though because up until that point I had been pretty much dating Tim and although it was an open relationship, I was kissing him and its just wrong to kiss two guys at once. So ever since then we've gone on dates pretty much every weekend. He's a really good guy and I could actually see a future with him, which is something I haven't felt for anyone besides Justin since he left. I hope I don't screw it up....
In a way though I'm setting myself up for failure.... I have been getting increasingly serious with Tim. I don't know what it is, but his attitude towards me seems to be improving a lot! And I don't know if its because I've been playing my cards right or if its that he is in a better place than he used to be or what, but from what I've seen of Tim, I shouldn't get my hopes up cause who knows when they'll be crushed. He seems to be appreciating me more though and opening up to me more.
I know he wouldn't like it if he knew about Patrick, but I have been honest with both of them about my dating status and I just feel that it would be best just to let things happen naturally and see how things end up going with both guys. I mean in our culture things are so focused on marriage and finding that right person, but I've gained a different outlook lately. I think that the normal way it should go is a little how I'm doing it (minus the kissing them both); having fun and learning from and getting to know guys and taking things really slowly and if I end up falling in love with one of them then that is great and I will make a decision then! And its good for me to have two guys (or more :P) because I have a lot of different needs that neither of them can fulfill all the way, and the amount of attention I get from them both amounts to enough to keep me happy and occupied, but with only one I would get desperate and needy for sure.
Wow you would think from all of this that guys occupy my entire life! Well they almost do, it is exhausting sometimes!
Then there is Justin whom I am still deeply in love with and I don't know if I'll ever get over him. I think he really is a true love. I've always loved him no matter what, no matter if he changes or his attitude or actions towards me, I've made a decision to love him and my heart will not be changed. I mean I have obviously been less than loyal to him, but he knew I would be dating and I don't feel like my dating and liking or even coming to love any other men really changes anything. I don't know that he would feel the same way but... we'll see I suppose. Pretty soon too... 8 months.
I haven't learned much about virtue and chastity yet... I mean I have, a lot actually, I just haven't overcome the temptation yet. I know it is stunting my spiritual growth devastatingly, and I don't know why I like to walk so close to the edge, but I have a renewed determination and resolve to become better so that I can be worthy to go to the temple for whomever or for a mission, and even just for me and for the Lord. I need to strengthen my testimony and resolve on a more regular basis and I realize that so I am really going to try.
Anywho that is all I have to say about dating.
BritterOUT.
Then there was this guy Patrick that my mom had promised to set me up with when I got home. so we went on this incredible first date, like I don't know if I've ever hit it off better with anyone. He complimented my eyes, my teeth and smile, my lips, my butt, and how beautiful I was, he was so honest and not shy at all and I love that about him. So we went to dinner and talked about everything and we had a lot in common, then we drove up to temple square and we like a lot of the same music, which seemed like a big deal to him, and while we were there we were flirting and laughing a lot, then the drive home took us like two hours because of traffic which was actually pretty fun, then it was like he really wanted to keep prolonging the date cause he took me out for ice cream then we went back to his house to watch a movie and we ended up making out!! Which I never do on the first date, but we both decided it just went so well that why not! Haha. I felt kind of bad though because up until that point I had been pretty much dating Tim and although it was an open relationship, I was kissing him and its just wrong to kiss two guys at once. So ever since then we've gone on dates pretty much every weekend. He's a really good guy and I could actually see a future with him, which is something I haven't felt for anyone besides Justin since he left. I hope I don't screw it up....
In a way though I'm setting myself up for failure.... I have been getting increasingly serious with Tim. I don't know what it is, but his attitude towards me seems to be improving a lot! And I don't know if its because I've been playing my cards right or if its that he is in a better place than he used to be or what, but from what I've seen of Tim, I shouldn't get my hopes up cause who knows when they'll be crushed. He seems to be appreciating me more though and opening up to me more.
I know he wouldn't like it if he knew about Patrick, but I have been honest with both of them about my dating status and I just feel that it would be best just to let things happen naturally and see how things end up going with both guys. I mean in our culture things are so focused on marriage and finding that right person, but I've gained a different outlook lately. I think that the normal way it should go is a little how I'm doing it (minus the kissing them both); having fun and learning from and getting to know guys and taking things really slowly and if I end up falling in love with one of them then that is great and I will make a decision then! And its good for me to have two guys (or more :P) because I have a lot of different needs that neither of them can fulfill all the way, and the amount of attention I get from them both amounts to enough to keep me happy and occupied, but with only one I would get desperate and needy for sure.
Wow you would think from all of this that guys occupy my entire life! Well they almost do, it is exhausting sometimes!
Then there is Justin whom I am still deeply in love with and I don't know if I'll ever get over him. I think he really is a true love. I've always loved him no matter what, no matter if he changes or his attitude or actions towards me, I've made a decision to love him and my heart will not be changed. I mean I have obviously been less than loyal to him, but he knew I would be dating and I don't feel like my dating and liking or even coming to love any other men really changes anything. I don't know that he would feel the same way but... we'll see I suppose. Pretty soon too... 8 months.
I haven't learned much about virtue and chastity yet... I mean I have, a lot actually, I just haven't overcome the temptation yet. I know it is stunting my spiritual growth devastatingly, and I don't know why I like to walk so close to the edge, but I have a renewed determination and resolve to become better so that I can be worthy to go to the temple for whomever or for a mission, and even just for me and for the Lord. I need to strengthen my testimony and resolve on a more regular basis and I realize that so I am really going to try.
Anywho that is all I have to say about dating.
BritterOUT.
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