Identity

Okay bear with me as I gather my thoughts here....

So each and every one of us has a group of words in our mind that we believe describe who we are. For example, I would say mine includes words like; optimistic, loving, playful, introspective, forgiving, impatient, independent, etc, etc.These defining words are shaped by our experiences, others opinions of us, and self discovery. A few of them may sometimes shift and change or adjust priority levels, but they are relatively consistent. We also have words that we believe we are NOT which are just as much a part of our identity. These are the opposite of the words that we are. Like for me; pessimistic, spiteful, flighty, cruel, patient, codependent, etc, etc.

We also generally form a group of these words in our head for others when we meet them. Like when I walk into a class the first day and evaluate the teacher; strict, immaculate, helpful, intelligent, kind, impatient, unqualified, etc. Sometimes these first evaluations or "first impressions" are correct, sometimes not; and accordingly, sometimes we adjust our thinking of them according to their actions and yet... sometimes not.

Therefore, our opinions and evaluations of people, whether they be correct or incorrect, will always be invalid. People are constantly changing and growing and there is no way we can accurately predict others behavior. Not only is it impossible, it is also unfair.

Okay so here's the real point I'm getting at; we treat people according to how we see them. We may think that we want people to be better and we may "have high expectations" for others, but really all we are doing is setting them up for failure.

People generally, to a certain degree, behave how they are treated. EXAMPLE... Think about it, if your most cherished family and friends believe you to be unintelligent, stupid even, how are you ever supposed to get out of that mold? No matter what you do, you will be critiqued as stupid, and on the off chance that you do something undeniably intelligent, they will all be shocked that you achieved something so great and write it off as a fluke or a "one time thing". They may even try to "help you become smarter" or encourage you to do your best or make it "easier for you to succeed". But it never works and each time they try and you fail you only feel more stupid.
So you move out of your house, make new friends, and suddenly you find people are willing to engage in intellectual conversations with you, they listen to and value your opinions and beliefs, they expect great things... How do you think you will behave then? Because of that positive reinforcement, you will likely want to learn more and express more in order to continue to supply that reinforcement. You will be more confident in yourself and in your ability to make a good argument and prove your point, you won't be afraid to be wrong because you know you won't be overly criticised (even if you are, you can handle it now because now you are intelligent), you will build on your knowledge and become a truly intelligent person.
So you are a changed person now, you have broken out of your shell and started to become that person you've always wanted to be... then you go home for the holidays. What do you find? Packs of people who know you as that same old unintelligent person. You try to prove them wrong and they laugh and scorn, or maybe just ignore you or look at you strangely. Their "stupid glasses" are on for you, they see you and they see stupid, they don't realize that you have changed and they treat you exactly how they did before. Maybe you are strong enough to not give in to their views, even if you're not, it will never be pleasant for you to go back there again because you will hate the person you are when you are with them. And maybe you're not strong enough, maybe you go right back to how you acted before, you play into their foolishness, you cannot prove them wrong no matter what you do so you give up.
Tragic.
Real.
Its what we all do. We are all on both sides of that scenario at different moments of our lives. If we truly love the people who surround us we need to do them a favor and give them the space and freedom to constantly change and improve, I mean REALLY. Change your opinion of them NOW and allow it to be an opinion free of bias, in fact maybe even tint your thinking with a positive bias. Some may call that "benefit of the doubt" but what an oxymoron! We should not be doubting them in the first place!

Truly loving someone is not having a bias or judgment of them that you don't allow them to overcome, it is giving them the freedom to be their own person and always encouraging change and improvement.

Britter OUT.