Friendship=Pain

I hate friends, you know that?
All friends have ever done for me is make me feel unlovable.
I try soo hard to be the best friend that I can; I text or call to catch up, I want to be with them for important times in both of our lives, I truly care about everything that happens to them.
Yeah I've never had that everyday best friend that you're supposed to see all the time and do everything with, but every friendship I have had I value more highly than my own life.
The troubling thing is... There are few people who I feel this way about, but once you are in my heart you never leave and people take that for granted.
I don't think people even realize how I feel about them and how I wish so badly that they would feel the same. At this point I wouldn't even care if they faked it, all I want is the love and the good feelings of a good friend.
I've had my heart broken and ripped apart by multiple people--for reasons I don't even know about! I have always thought I'm clear about how much I value an appreciate them and honest about my every thought, but apparently I'm not worth enough for anyone to return the favor.
When it happens multiple times, it's really hard not to blame yourself.
I just want to stop trying, stop caring, stop wasting my time and emotionally exhausting myself with these people that just kick me to the curb with the trash. The reason I haven't done this up to this point is because I am too stubborn. I want to believe that I am lovable, I want to believe that these people will see my efforts and want to return them, I don't want to stop being patient and give up, I want to love as Jesus loves and forgive people everytime. It's just so hard, and so hurtful.
The closest that I have ever been to experiencing true friendship is with my fiancé Timothy. I feel like in the beginning he had the power of least interest and saw me as disposable, even though after the second date I saw him as a valuable part of my life and decided that he was someone worth being patient for. My patience paid off and we broke through barriers in my relationship skills I never thought I would cross, never even knew existed. He has never let me down in my toughest moments or my brightest, not only that but he wants me to be a part of his too; and that I believe is what a true friend is.
And yet, because of all of my experience with disloyal, uncaring friends (and even family) I find it a constant struggle to trust that he won't one day decide I'm not good enough, that I'm just not worth the effort anymore. I'm afraid that the sudden selfish Brittany-loathing will strike him one day and he will leave me. Thanks to all my lovely examples.
I hate friends. I don't want them. But I need them; I long for them, ache for them; every day.

Britter OUT.

Um k tht was so weird i have no idea why that blog post just suddenly randomly posted itself... Maybe it was on a timed release... But anyway it was really old so just ignore it!!

My bad.
Britter OUT.

Boy O Boy

So I'm out at SUU for a whole semester and don't get like any dates right. Absolutely ridiculous. Then I had this whole business of a revelation to move to Ohio so I tragically left all my beloved friends at SUU to go on another adventure. Then as if it were a sign, I break my arm over Christmas break so there's no way because of doctors appointments and inability to fully care for myself physically and emotionally that I can continue with that plan. So with nothing else to do and no other solution, I decided to stay home and go to UVU (which story I will continue in a moment). And like when I got home this guy, Nate, a friend of an ex who I'd been on a couple dates with during the summer was all gung ho about asking me out a whole bunch. I didn't really like him that way though and was trying to figure out a way to tell him. Eventually when things got in deeper with two other guys and besides I just didn't want to get his hopes up so I did have to tell him we'd be just friends. He's been really good at going along with my wishes.
Then there was this guy Patrick that my mom had promised to set me up with when I got home. so we went on this incredible first date, like I don't know if I've ever hit it off better with anyone. He complimented my eyes, my teeth and smile, my lips, my butt, and how beautiful I was, he was so honest and not shy at all and I love that about him. So we went to dinner and talked about everything and we had a lot in common, then we drove up to temple square and we like a lot of the same music, which seemed like a big deal to him, and while we were there we were flirting and laughing a lot, then the drive home took us like two hours because of traffic which was actually pretty fun, then it was like he really wanted to keep prolonging the date cause he took me out for ice cream then we went back to his house to watch a movie and we ended up making out!! Which I never do on the first date, but we both decided it just went so well that why not! Haha. I felt kind of bad though because up until that point I had been pretty much dating Tim and although it was an open relationship, I was kissing him and its just wrong to kiss two guys at once. So ever since then we've gone on dates pretty much every weekend. He's a really good guy and I could actually see a future with him, which is something I haven't felt for anyone besides Justin since he left. I hope I don't screw it up....
In a way though I'm setting myself up for failure.... I have been getting increasingly serious with Tim. I don't know what it is, but his attitude towards me seems to be improving a lot! And I don't know if its because I've been playing my cards right or if its that he is in a better place than he used to be or what, but from what I've seen of Tim, I shouldn't get my hopes up cause who knows when they'll be crushed. He seems to be appreciating me more though and opening up to me more.
I know he wouldn't like it if he knew about Patrick, but I have been honest with both of them about my dating status and I just feel that it would be best just to let things happen naturally and see how things end up going with both guys. I mean in our culture things are so focused on marriage and finding that right person, but I've gained a different outlook lately. I think that the normal way it should go is a little how I'm doing it (minus the kissing them both); having fun and learning from and getting to know guys and taking things really slowly and if I end up falling in love with one of them then that is great and I will make a decision then! And its good for me to have two guys (or more :P) because I have a lot of different needs that neither of them can fulfill all the way, and the amount of attention I get from them both amounts to enough to keep me happy and occupied, but with only one I would get desperate and needy for sure.
Wow you would think from all of this that guys occupy my entire life! Well they almost do, it is exhausting sometimes!
Then there is Justin whom I am still deeply in love with and I don't know if I'll ever get over him. I think he really is a true love. I've always loved him no matter what, no matter if he changes or his attitude or actions towards me, I've made a decision to love him and my heart will not be changed. I mean I have obviously been less than loyal to him, but he knew I would be dating and I don't feel like my dating and liking or even coming to love any other men really changes anything. I don't know that he would feel the same way but... we'll see I suppose. Pretty soon too... 8 months.
I haven't learned much about virtue and chastity yet... I mean I have, a lot actually, I just haven't overcome the temptation yet. I know it is stunting my spiritual growth devastatingly, and I don't know why I like to walk so close to the edge, but I have a renewed determination and resolve to become better so that I can be worthy to go to the temple for whomever or for a mission, and even just for me and for the Lord. I need to strengthen my testimony and resolve on a more regular basis and I realize that so I am really going to try.
Anywho that is all I have to say about dating.

BritterOUT.

Day 02--Your First Love

Well the first time I ever said "I love you" was to a special fellow named 

David Barley.

First my science lab partner in 7th grade, then my friend, then my boyfriend, then my childhood sweetheart, then my wounded ex, then my worst enemy..... and now my longest and most cherished friend.

He is the biggest nerd I know as well as the biggest sweetheart. He is spiritual and always striving to be better than the day before. He's the one that any neighbor, sibling, friend, random stranger, can go to when they need to talk. He's a peacemaker. He is always smiles through the bad and makes you feel like less of an idiot even if your mess of a life is your own fault. He is so annoying, but you just can't help but like him. He likes scouts and knives and computers and girls. He gives better hugs than anyone!!

He has seen me at my worst and at my best; and I've seen his too. 

He knows me better than anyone, even myself; he helps me figure out what I'm thinking when I am the most confused, always calms my emotional breakdowns, solves my computer problems, and makes really good sandwiches.

There is so much good in him that I could never mention it all. 

He was my first date, first boyfriend, first kiss, first love, and most importantly, my first and forever best friend :) 

He is just David. 

Britter OUT.

Fairytale Living--The Perfect Trap

If I had three wishes this is what they would be...

1) To work whenever, wherever I wanted for whatever pay I wanted,

2) To be happy with where I am and what I'm doing and who I'm with, without always wanting more and better,

3) To have an outsiders' perspective on all things.

I am thinking of this because I think I've finally admitted something to myself after an experience I had tonight.

I am a perfectionist.

I'm serious. Like I could be diagnosed with the disorder. Its textbook.

Honestly, read this article The Perfect Trap. Its me to a T.

The introspective perfectionism: 

• I never can accomplish all I want to accomplish at the standard I expect of myself so I often don't try to accomplish anything at all for fear of failure. 
• I feel my ability to make decisions is inadequate so I put off making them for a very long time until the decision is made for me. 
• I feel that nothing I do is ever good enough and rather than doing things for my own fulfillment, I often do them for approval from others only to be disappointed by their ungratefulness. 
• I go through phases of extreme unrealistic ambitions and productivity and phases of extreme slothfulness at about six month intervals. 
• I look at those who have achieved great things (ie: ivy league schools, great inventions and discoveries, etc.) and expect the same of myself no matter whether I really want that or not. 
• I'm always feeling unappreciated because I feel I have gone above and beyond what is required of me without recognition.

The outwardly focused perfectionism:

• Nothing anyone ever does is good enough. 
• I find myself trying so hard to appreciate the things others do for me without seeing the bad and being disappointed, but I often fail. 
• I find myself sometimes over-complimenting others with the hope that I can encourage them to live up to the standard that I put up for them. 
• If someone reaches my expectation for them, I raise that expectation just a little higher. 
• I'm always saying I see the "potential" in others. I cannot tolerate mediocrity; in fact, it disgusts me. 
• I often abandon people or push them away because they are "distracting me from my goals" or "dragging me down"; or else I stick with them endlessly because I am trying to combat these feelings whether true or untrue.

Now not to say that there isn't some validity in a few of these schemas, but I take them to an extreme degree sometimes and it creates emotional stress and unhappiness for me, often sabotaging my success, my relationships, and my self worth. I use self-talk as an attempt to turn these irrational thoughts into more logical, realistic expectations, but it has to be a constant effort with a smile on my face the whole time.

I know I will never achieve the better than fairytale life that I expect. It is unattainable.

I cannot get a PHD, travel the world, save all the poverty stricken, be a saint, marry prince charming, raise prodigies, have a hardcore rock climbing/outdoorsy hobby habit, be a size 4 with amazing legs, be scripturally fluent, have an immaculate home, be sexy yet still a lady, please all my family, neighbors, friends, relatives, coworkers, and acquaintances, etc etc etc. I will never achieve this perfection. 

But is it so wrong to try?? Is it so wrong to always expect more of others?? I must learn a way to help others realize their potential, and realize my own, without being constantly disappointed. I want to make it clear that I realize, as I'm sure all of you do, that it is not only healthy but a part of our religion to always expect change, try to achieve higher goals, and grow into better people. I just take it to an unhealthy extreme.

There you go. There is the raw, upsetting truth. I hope my loved ones will not judge me or give up on their relationships with me now that you know what I'm really thinking. It is a constant mental battle that I have with myself to try to attain and maintain joy in my life. It is a root of many of my problems and something I spend a lot of time brooding on. Given, this obsession with fixing it is in part due to my perfectionist manner and therefore causes me more distress as I attempt to constantly improve. Somewhat ironic.

ANYWAY.

Britter OUT.

Day 01- Introduce Yourself

Brittany Knapp

Blonde hair, blue eyes, sparkling personality.

IQ: 148

Blood type: A+

Favorite color: Purple

Lucky number: 8

Favorite flower: Peony or "Tahitian Sunset" rose

Comfort food: Ice cream (of course) and Goldfish

Favorite ice cream: Rocky Road (Breyer's is best!)

Favorite song (of the moment): Glitter by Pink

Favorite book: The Odyssey

Favorite movie: Stardust

Something I can't get enough of: Music, Costa Vida, and Timothy :P 

One thing I hate more than anything: Winter

Silly habit: Playing with my ears

Guilty pleasure: Shopping

Pet peeve: Inconsideration

Biggest weakness: Impatience

What makes me cry: When those I love don't reach for their potential

What makes me laugh: Myself... And pretty much everything

Hobbies: Collecting hobbies.

Random facts...

I've seen a person die. I've pierced my belly button. I've never lived outside of Utah, but I've been to almost all 50 states and multiple other countries. I love fruit. I like cute underwear and elephants. I love to travel.

I over analyze everything in this world; it is a weakness and a strength. 

I am a passionate person; I never do anything halfway. 

I am confident and real; I tell it how it is. 

I do more than what is required sometimes earning be the reputation of "brown noser". 

I'm stubborn as hell.

I want to change the world; I want to help others and make this a happier place to live.

I'm a dreamer; never satisfied with what I have and always looking for something better. 

I love myself even when no one else does, because I know God loves me :) 

I see beauty and goodness where others cannot.

I don't like to follow rules; I believe in taking risks. We only live once after all!

I laugh.... A lot. I'm just a dork.

I may not be perfect, but I'm always trying to learn how to be. Teach me :)

Hide and Seek

When I was a kid I always hated playing hide and go seek, I also hated tag. Maybe I wasn't a normal kid, but that's probably because I was too busy playing with my Barbies under the trampoline. ANYWAY that's not really the point. The point is, I'm not good at it and as a result, happiness often wins at this game.
Its so weird because I can go months being blissfully happy doing all the things that I know will bring me happiness. But then suddenly... I will turn around and its gone. Its not like it just disappears, but its like I get so caught up in all the excitement that I forget to continue doing those things that make me happy. In fact, this forgetfulness happens so frequently that I made a list of the things that make me the happiest so that when it hits me that I'm not happy anymore I can use it as sort of a checklist. The retarded thing is, it is SO much more difficult to attain happiness all over again than it would be to retain it... but I guess I just haven't learned how yet.

So here's my list....

Stand up for myself.
Stay close to the Spirit.
Have a hobby.
Serve.
Stay true to my values.
Learn new things.
Exercise regularly.
Spend time with family.
Work hard.
Be outside.

At the moment I honestly can't check off many of these things as "done".
So then the question arises... then what the hell are you doing?? Um not so sure. I guess I've been spending my time lounging around, screwing around, and ignoring reality. Which honestly I don't think there is anything wrong with doing those things, but when they consist of my daily life, its enjoyable on the surface but it starts to wear me down!
I think it has something to do with how I was raised. Cause I know some people are totally fine with living their life that way, but for me... I was raised to constantly be improving myself, to accomplish something everyday, to always be working towards a goal. So I don't really get it when people don't live the same way!!! AH! Its good for me to relax, but it consumes me!
WOW I can feel this going into a further rant about things and people that I am frustrated with so I think I will continue this in a private post.

Anyway... Ciao!!


Britter OUT.