Fairytale Living--The Perfect Trap

If I had three wishes this is what they would be...

1) To work whenever, wherever I wanted for whatever pay I wanted,

2) To be happy with where I am and what I'm doing and who I'm with, without always wanting more and better,

3) To have an outsiders' perspective on all things.

I am thinking of this because I think I've finally admitted something to myself after an experience I had tonight.

I am a perfectionist.

I'm serious. Like I could be diagnosed with the disorder. Its textbook.

Honestly, read this article The Perfect Trap. Its me to a T.

The introspective perfectionism: 

• I never can accomplish all I want to accomplish at the standard I expect of myself so I often don't try to accomplish anything at all for fear of failure. 
• I feel my ability to make decisions is inadequate so I put off making them for a very long time until the decision is made for me. 
• I feel that nothing I do is ever good enough and rather than doing things for my own fulfillment, I often do them for approval from others only to be disappointed by their ungratefulness. 
• I go through phases of extreme unrealistic ambitions and productivity and phases of extreme slothfulness at about six month intervals. 
• I look at those who have achieved great things (ie: ivy league schools, great inventions and discoveries, etc.) and expect the same of myself no matter whether I really want that or not. 
• I'm always feeling unappreciated because I feel I have gone above and beyond what is required of me without recognition.

The outwardly focused perfectionism:

• Nothing anyone ever does is good enough. 
• I find myself trying so hard to appreciate the things others do for me without seeing the bad and being disappointed, but I often fail. 
• I find myself sometimes over-complimenting others with the hope that I can encourage them to live up to the standard that I put up for them. 
• If someone reaches my expectation for them, I raise that expectation just a little higher. 
• I'm always saying I see the "potential" in others. I cannot tolerate mediocrity; in fact, it disgusts me. 
• I often abandon people or push them away because they are "distracting me from my goals" or "dragging me down"; or else I stick with them endlessly because I am trying to combat these feelings whether true or untrue.

Now not to say that there isn't some validity in a few of these schemas, but I take them to an extreme degree sometimes and it creates emotional stress and unhappiness for me, often sabotaging my success, my relationships, and my self worth. I use self-talk as an attempt to turn these irrational thoughts into more logical, realistic expectations, but it has to be a constant effort with a smile on my face the whole time.

I know I will never achieve the better than fairytale life that I expect. It is unattainable.

I cannot get a PHD, travel the world, save all the poverty stricken, be a saint, marry prince charming, raise prodigies, have a hardcore rock climbing/outdoorsy hobby habit, be a size 4 with amazing legs, be scripturally fluent, have an immaculate home, be sexy yet still a lady, please all my family, neighbors, friends, relatives, coworkers, and acquaintances, etc etc etc. I will never achieve this perfection. 

But is it so wrong to try?? Is it so wrong to always expect more of others?? I must learn a way to help others realize their potential, and realize my own, without being constantly disappointed. I want to make it clear that I realize, as I'm sure all of you do, that it is not only healthy but a part of our religion to always expect change, try to achieve higher goals, and grow into better people. I just take it to an unhealthy extreme.

There you go. There is the raw, upsetting truth. I hope my loved ones will not judge me or give up on their relationships with me now that you know what I'm really thinking. It is a constant mental battle that I have with myself to try to attain and maintain joy in my life. It is a root of many of my problems and something I spend a lot of time brooding on. Given, this obsession with fixing it is in part due to my perfectionist manner and therefore causes me more distress as I attempt to constantly improve. Somewhat ironic.

ANYWAY.

Britter OUT.