Monogamy

Okay so I'm newly married right? All single people are now thinking "Oh my gosh you are so lucky, you're life must be absolutely perfect now. I'm so jealousssssss!"

Well, newsflash guys, getting married does not instantly complete your life!!

Its actually quite difficult.

Marriage does bring a great amount of fulfillment. You've met the person you're going to be with forever! You are with the one you love all the time, you get to have a partner in all of your decisions, you get to have sex whenever you want, you don't have to worry about the stupid insecurities of the dating world..... Its all so wonderful and new and beautiful. But its not all cake. 

I know you probably think I'm about to say how marriage can be hard sometimes blah blah blah because you have to overcome all your differences with your spouse and become a team. Well all that is true too, but you've heard it, and you're at least somewhat expecting it. But what most people don't tell you is....

{Okay break. I am going about this blog writing as if I am NOT the ONLY person who feels this way, but... Maybe I am!! I doubt it, but maybe.}

So anyway, what most people don't tell you is that marriage is like taking a tiny cute baby monkey, putting it on the train tracks of your life, and when the conductor sees it they try to pull the emergency break so they don't kill it....

Wow, I really don't know where that was going.... It started to get scary so I stopped. But this is so hard to explain! I'll just quit the babble and tell you how I feel.

I don't feel as if my days are full of life anymore. Each day is just basking in the ease of married life, a stable job, a nice apartment, a loving husband... I know, poor me right? But when you're single, you are constantly putting yourself out of your comfort zone; talking to new people, going to parties and dances, dating and flirting... and its FUN.

Not only that but being in school where exciting things happen, man I miss that. In school you are always talking to people you don't know, experiencing and learning new things. You have a powerful feeling of freedom when you're single that is its own force, encouraging you to have hobbies and independence.

The marriage force is completely the opposite. Marriage screams calm, easy, peaceful... "Don't do anything new Brittany, you need more sleep, you need to cook for your husband, you need to be at home taking care of yourself, your husband, your dog, your duties. You need to be complacent and dull and just wait for life to come to you." And you just sink right into that cushy sentiment and obey.

Life gets slow, life gets easy, life gets monotonous. Then, if you're like me, you have to smack yourself sometimes wondering what the heck you're doing today! Oh probably napping again, that's good enough isn't it? {The slap obviously was not hard enough.}

I know this is all probably temporary. I tend to only see what's right in front of me sometimes, but I know I'm starting nursing school in a month and life will be stressful. I will again have a busier life with more deadlines and goals to reach and people to meet.

I also know how difficult it has been for me to adjust my independence into a healthy form of dependence in my marriage, I swing back and forth between extremes, most days settling on co-dependency (bad). I just hope and pray that I will be able to meet some people, make some friends, pursue some hobbies, and find the balance that will make me the happiest and help my marriage the most.

I guess we are always growing and this is a changing point in my life in every way. My body is changing again, my values are reaffirming and strengthening... essentially my whole personality is changing. And that, my friends, is hard.

All because I chose to say "I do".

So before you say it too, make yourself some goals of what you will accomplish in that first year of marriage to prevent the stagnation that can come to the rest of your life when you get into the peace of monogamy.

Britter OUT.

Being healthy is about knowing yourself

So I have been trying to diet lately. I gained 25 lbs. in the first 5 months of my marriage and that is just not okay. I don't know if any of you can relate to how difficult dieting can be (if you're a woman  I'm sure you do), but so far I have learned a few things about myself that have made things easier and I would like to share them with you. However, do keep in mind that like me, you should learn about your own body and what works for you and makes your dieting easier.

1. PAY ATTENTION.
I gained that 25 lbs. with my eyes closed. I did not even notice they were there till one day I stepped on a scale and almost cried. All that hard work to look good at my wedding only to gain it all back that quickly?? That was pretty pathetic. But that was when I realized I can't just eat what I want. I HAVE to watch the scale, count my calories, and pay attention to what's on my plate. Or I start to eat like my husband and his friends and that is just not okay for my body.

2. Get Motivated.
As much as I love my new husband, I have to have a motivation besides just wanting to look good for him. For example; a dress I want to wear (or my entire closet that is beginning to get tighter and tighter), an event where lots of pictures will be taken of me, a health issue that won't go away, or I just spent a lot of money on this diet program so I better stick to it.

3. Stay Satisfied.
I cannot let myself get hungry. I am a beast when I get hungry; it makes me extremely emotional, angry, and out of control of my mouth. Even if I don't get to that extreme, being hungry is still bad. If I get hungry I start thinking of all the things I wanna eat. I think of ordering 10 things on the Wendy's menu and my cravings just get out of hand, quickly making it difficult to make healthy choices.

4. Have a support system.
When I have a friend who is dieting too it makes things so much easier. When there is someone I can text to complain too, or ask how much they have lost, how they did today, etc. it makes things seem less difficult. Especially when you have a husband who likes to eat out and would eat pizza for every meal if he could.

5. Eat what you like!
I tried the Nutrisystem diet because I have had multiple people I know be really successful on it. That's great, I'm happy for them. I hated it. I love food and the more fresh, flavorful, and creative the dish is the more I love it. Nutrisystem food is not like that at all. Its very processed, very bland, boring, and just overall unsatisfying. I felt like eating again right after my meal because I just didn't feel like I had enjoyed my food at all. (Plus they fill all the food with a plant called inulin which is basically filled with fiber that your body can't digest so it makes you stay full longer and gives you gas.) I would much rather throw together my own healthy concoctions that keep my taste buds interested and make me thin.

6. Working out actually makes you feel better.
It really does, try it. Do what you like! Sometimes all I do is walk my dog, or dance around to my iPod in the bathroom,  or free weights and Pinterest exercises in my living room, or I do interval running on the treadmill, or go to yoga or pole dancing for fitness class. Even if you don't have time to work out, just move more. Walk around while you're on the phone, stand up every 20 min when you are at work or sick on the couch. But whatever it is, as long as it gets me moving after a long day at a desk, I am happier that day, and the next.

7. Cut out the CRAP.
Carbonation, Refined sugar, Artificial additives, Processed foods. All they do is make you sluggish, make your bowels irregular, make you hungrier (really), and make you fat. God did not put us on this earth to eat whatever science can cook up in a lab, he put delicious, colorful, nutrient rich, foods on this planet to be savored and appreciated. Do yourself, and him, a favor and enjoy them! But still of course only buy what you will eat... Just because God put brussels sprouts on this earth does not mean I will ever consume them.

Well I think that is enough for now. Those are the main things I have learned about dieting/eating healthy. There are more, but they are talked about more frequently so I'll spare you the repetition. I hope this helps at least one of you!


Britter OUT.

On Drugs

Okay so i somehow dislocated my collar bone and two of my rid heads... yeah my body just like doesn't fit together. No wonder I'm slow clumsy and stuff. Any way so it's pretty dang painful when I do basically anything so therefore I can't sleep laying down or sitting up or any way. So I took an Ambien and we're gonna see where this takes us. I will mostly be less and less coherent as things go until i'm eventually just typing outright nonsense. It never a god idea to post your shebigans on line because they aalways out bein a nig deal when relly it was judt likt  it feerdgdd the pway my fngrerstype on hthkeysistheutgo oon the keys. wont' forget you or regret u. come back,

darkunig come ovavvn they're ready yfir uoiu

I;m retty sure somesniid so me drressesopooiiiiiiiiidoesnt wqy goodby








Britter OUT.

The Girl Who Walks

Another day after work going for a walk. For her walking is a hobby, according to the definition of the word. Although such a mundane activity may be odd to think of as a hobby, it is an interest she pursues purely for pleasure.
Others she knows enjoy reading or playing games because it is an escape from the world and from their stress. But for her, the thoughts in her head are too loud and too overwhelming to ignore. There's something about the clean air and the leaves blowing in the wind, the clouds moving over the sun, the sound of her feet on the sidewalk--that lift her thoughts from the dark place they want to drift to.
As she listens to the sounds of the city around her she wonders what it would be like to be someone else. Did other people think like her? No, she knew they didn't; so what would it be like to think like someone else, to see out of someone else's eyes. What if instead of being a middle class city girl she had been born in the country where wheat and horses surrounded her? Or what if she lived her days as a vagabond, just trying to survive? Would she have been more happy, more carefree, or was it just in her nature to worry? Probably the latter she thinks.
So worry she would; until her hair fell out and she pushed away all of those she loved. No one loves a worrier; they are exhausting. So she walks. She walks and she lets her worries be there in her head, just settling and not bothering anyone but her. Its a lonely life to be a worrier, but its who she is.
The loneliness is bearable; when others don't enjoy your company you can rationalize that it is because of them. Its when she starts to hate herself that things get nasty because you can't escape from yourself, even when walking. At least she'll always have the sun to shine on her face and make her forget the worries just for a moment.


Britter OUT.

Friendship=Pain

I hate friends, you know that?
All friends have ever done for me is make me feel unlovable.
I try soo hard to be the best friend that I can; I text or call to catch up, I want to be with them for important times in both of our lives, I truly care about everything that happens to them.
Yeah I've never had that everyday best friend that you're supposed to see all the time and do everything with, but every friendship I have had I value more highly than my own life.
The troubling thing is... There are few people who I feel this way about, but once you are in my heart you never leave and people take that for granted.
I don't think people even realize how I feel about them and how I wish so badly that they would feel the same. At this point I wouldn't even care if they faked it, all I want is the love and the good feelings of a good friend.
I've had my heart broken and ripped apart by multiple people--for reasons I don't even know about! I have always thought I'm clear about how much I value an appreciate them and honest about my every thought, but apparently I'm not worth enough for anyone to return the favor.
When it happens multiple times, it's really hard not to blame yourself.
I just want to stop trying, stop caring, stop wasting my time and emotionally exhausting myself with these people that just kick me to the curb with the trash. The reason I haven't done this up to this point is because I am too stubborn. I want to believe that I am lovable, I want to believe that these people will see my efforts and want to return them, I don't want to stop being patient and give up, I want to love as Jesus loves and forgive people everytime. It's just so hard, and so hurtful.
The closest that I have ever been to experiencing true friendship is with my fiancé Timothy. I feel like in the beginning he had the power of least interest and saw me as disposable, even though after the second date I saw him as a valuable part of my life and decided that he was someone worth being patient for. My patience paid off and we broke through barriers in my relationship skills I never thought I would cross, never even knew existed. He has never let me down in my toughest moments or my brightest, not only that but he wants me to be a part of his too; and that I believe is what a true friend is.
And yet, because of all of my experience with disloyal, uncaring friends (and even family) I find it a constant struggle to trust that he won't one day decide I'm not good enough, that I'm just not worth the effort anymore. I'm afraid that the sudden selfish Brittany-loathing will strike him one day and he will leave me. Thanks to all my lovely examples.
I hate friends. I don't want them. But I need them; I long for them, ache for them; every day.

Britter OUT.

Um k tht was so weird i have no idea why that blog post just suddenly randomly posted itself... Maybe it was on a timed release... But anyway it was really old so just ignore it!!

My bad.
Britter OUT.

Boy O Boy

So I'm out at SUU for a whole semester and don't get like any dates right. Absolutely ridiculous. Then I had this whole business of a revelation to move to Ohio so I tragically left all my beloved friends at SUU to go on another adventure. Then as if it were a sign, I break my arm over Christmas break so there's no way because of doctors appointments and inability to fully care for myself physically and emotionally that I can continue with that plan. So with nothing else to do and no other solution, I decided to stay home and go to UVU (which story I will continue in a moment). And like when I got home this guy, Nate, a friend of an ex who I'd been on a couple dates with during the summer was all gung ho about asking me out a whole bunch. I didn't really like him that way though and was trying to figure out a way to tell him. Eventually when things got in deeper with two other guys and besides I just didn't want to get his hopes up so I did have to tell him we'd be just friends. He's been really good at going along with my wishes.
Then there was this guy Patrick that my mom had promised to set me up with when I got home. so we went on this incredible first date, like I don't know if I've ever hit it off better with anyone. He complimented my eyes, my teeth and smile, my lips, my butt, and how beautiful I was, he was so honest and not shy at all and I love that about him. So we went to dinner and talked about everything and we had a lot in common, then we drove up to temple square and we like a lot of the same music, which seemed like a big deal to him, and while we were there we were flirting and laughing a lot, then the drive home took us like two hours because of traffic which was actually pretty fun, then it was like he really wanted to keep prolonging the date cause he took me out for ice cream then we went back to his house to watch a movie and we ended up making out!! Which I never do on the first date, but we both decided it just went so well that why not! Haha. I felt kind of bad though because up until that point I had been pretty much dating Tim and although it was an open relationship, I was kissing him and its just wrong to kiss two guys at once. So ever since then we've gone on dates pretty much every weekend. He's a really good guy and I could actually see a future with him, which is something I haven't felt for anyone besides Justin since he left. I hope I don't screw it up....
In a way though I'm setting myself up for failure.... I have been getting increasingly serious with Tim. I don't know what it is, but his attitude towards me seems to be improving a lot! And I don't know if its because I've been playing my cards right or if its that he is in a better place than he used to be or what, but from what I've seen of Tim, I shouldn't get my hopes up cause who knows when they'll be crushed. He seems to be appreciating me more though and opening up to me more.
I know he wouldn't like it if he knew about Patrick, but I have been honest with both of them about my dating status and I just feel that it would be best just to let things happen naturally and see how things end up going with both guys. I mean in our culture things are so focused on marriage and finding that right person, but I've gained a different outlook lately. I think that the normal way it should go is a little how I'm doing it (minus the kissing them both); having fun and learning from and getting to know guys and taking things really slowly and if I end up falling in love with one of them then that is great and I will make a decision then! And its good for me to have two guys (or more :P) because I have a lot of different needs that neither of them can fulfill all the way, and the amount of attention I get from them both amounts to enough to keep me happy and occupied, but with only one I would get desperate and needy for sure.
Wow you would think from all of this that guys occupy my entire life! Well they almost do, it is exhausting sometimes!
Then there is Justin whom I am still deeply in love with and I don't know if I'll ever get over him. I think he really is a true love. I've always loved him no matter what, no matter if he changes or his attitude or actions towards me, I've made a decision to love him and my heart will not be changed. I mean I have obviously been less than loyal to him, but he knew I would be dating and I don't feel like my dating and liking or even coming to love any other men really changes anything. I don't know that he would feel the same way but... we'll see I suppose. Pretty soon too... 8 months.
I haven't learned much about virtue and chastity yet... I mean I have, a lot actually, I just haven't overcome the temptation yet. I know it is stunting my spiritual growth devastatingly, and I don't know why I like to walk so close to the edge, but I have a renewed determination and resolve to become better so that I can be worthy to go to the temple for whomever or for a mission, and even just for me and for the Lord. I need to strengthen my testimony and resolve on a more regular basis and I realize that so I am really going to try.
Anywho that is all I have to say about dating.

BritterOUT.